You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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