Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I didn't notice because vodka
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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