I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
