Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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