I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
