I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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