Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
