I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
