You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
