I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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