he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
