oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
