Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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