god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
