Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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