He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Are my feet made of real feet?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
