you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
