I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
