and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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