mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
