Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
