bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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