ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
