Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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