I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
