I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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