i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
no, he came in my armpit
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
