I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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