I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
