News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
