How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
