Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
