separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I would ride that face into the sunset
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