so that wasnt chicken after all
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
