I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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