So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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