I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
