i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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