it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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