you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
