I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
