I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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