I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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