Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
