i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
