she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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