i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Randomize
