Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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