So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
