i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
