Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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